Did you start out the year like many of us, saying “I’m going to lose weight, get to the
gym more, reduce my debt, spend less and save more”… and have you already fallen
off the wagon? Why do we make the same resolutions every year but are continually
not able to stick with our goals?
And please don’t say we don’t want it enough. There isn’t a person out there who
wants to be in debt or scared that they haven’t saved enough money. I’ve never met
a person who wants to end up as a bag lady or working until they die as a greeter at
Walmart (not that there’s anything wrong with that)! No more than anyone wants to
be overweight or unhealthy.
So why can’t we stick to our plans and goals? My belief after 25+ years of counseling
people around money issues, is that we all have deep seated emotions surrounding
and defining our money lives. And until we address those issues, we are destined to
repeat the same patterns over and over again.
So if your goal was to reduce, pay off debt or save more, and you haven’t been able
to achieve this, ask yourself, “What’s behind your over spending?” Perhaps you
were raised without much and now that you are working and making a good living,
you feel like you deserve to have what you want. Perhaps shopping is a way you
reward yourself for all your hard work. On the other hand, maybe you are married
to someone who overspends, and you feel like no matter what you do, you can’t get
ahead. So if you can’t beat them, join them!
Maybe you believe that overspending enhances your happiness, and what if you
died tomorrow, think of all the spending you’d miss out on! It’s different for every
person, but trust me on this; behind overspending and not being able to stick to a
budget, there exists some emotional feeling fueling the behavior.
Gratefully, I am not an over spender. Never have been, never could be. But I have
bordered on what I call being a compulsive saver. Most people think, “Well that’s a
good problem to have”, and in some ways I’d agree. I’d rather be an over-saver than
an over-spender. But my belief system holds true. Behind all compulsive savers,
there are emotional forces fueling the saving.
In addition, don’t think for a minute that being an obsessive saver can’t cause you
problems; especially if you are in a relationship with someone who doesn’t share
your same belief system around money. Many relationships have ended over
couples not being able to agree about money.
I’ve seen savers who are close to money hoarders, who lose friends over the fact
that they count pennies between each other. I’ve seen compulsive savers deny
themselves the enjoyment around the wealth that they have created. So what
emotions lie behind extreme savings? Usually, there is a deep fear of never having
In my case, my father was an immigrant to this country and while we were growing
up, we never had some of the nicer things my friends had. In fact, I thought we were
poor, but it turns out we were middle class. But instead of going off in the direction
of over spending (which could have happened), I took on my parents’ fear of not
having enough money. In many ways I mirrored their behavior.
But here’s the difference; I’m not an immigrant. My husband and I earn a very nice
combined income, and I work hard. I’ve been focused on saving for the majority
of my life. Yet I’m married to a man who has pined for a lake house or mountain
house for as long as I’ve been married to him (and that is over 23 years)! Now in
all honesty, for the first 10 years of our marriage, we could barely afford our first
house, but after the first 10 years it was doable. Yet I resisted over fear of spending
I had to do some hard work on myself; to let go of the fears that my parents planted
deep in my psyche, that I should not spend, but save, save, save. It didn’t happen
overnight but I’m happy to report, that I really don’t worry about money (much!)
and we are embarking on the purchase of a lake house property.
I’ve chosen to BELIEVE the financial plan I update for myself annually, which says
we are OK. We are on track if not ahead of a decent retirement, not too far down the
road (if that be our choice).
You too can overcome your financial behavior if it needs to be fixed. Is it going to
be easy? Not likely! But start with looking deeper at your patterns and take a good
honest look at what drives your behavior. This self honesty is the starting point to
change! You can do it…I did!
Happy New year!